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| Following is an audio recording of a radio show called “Effective Parenting” presented by Mickey Michaels. This show is a dialogue between me and another expert, Dr. Jennifer Lewis, co-author of “DON’T DIVORCE YOUR CHILDREN.” Since that time, I have published my own book on divorce, described on this website. Dr. Lewis’ philosophy and mine are very similar. I suggest you buy both books – hers and mine. “Managing
Divorce”
TECHNICAL ALERT: This is a new technology for us on this website. The recording won’t always be free, but for now we’re experimenting to see how well it works. This is an MP3 file. The file size is approx 10 Megabytes. If you have a fast Internet connection and Windows Media Player, it should download quickly and play easily. WARNING: If you have a slow dial-up connection, it could take a very long time to download. You may not want to try it. If you don’t want to try the download or if it doesn’t work for you, you can order the CD for $10. CLICK HERE TO PLAY FREE MP3 AUDIO To play
directly if you have the Apple, Real or Windows Media Player: HERE
IS SOME MORE ADVICE ON MANAGING DIVORCE IN THE “TRIED AND
TRUE” OLD TECHNOLOGY – THE WRITTEN WORD. .When
Your Emotions Are Worlds Apart When Your Emotions Are Worlds Apart Q. Why does my about-to-be-ex spouse seem so insensitive and heartless? A. You need to understand the difference between Dumper and Dumpee. If you are the one who took the action to end the relationship, you are the dumper. If you weren’t ready for the relationship to end, but your partner ended it, you are the dumpee. Depending on your role in the matter, you will experience different emotions, and the timing of your emotions will differ. Understanding these differences can help you be more accepting of your partner’s emotions and your own as well. The dumper goes through his/her agony before the actual end of the relationship – trying to make the decision as to whether to hang in there or end it. After the breakup, he/she often suffers from feelings of self-doubt as to whether they made the right decision and guilt about causing unhappiness for the other people involved. However, since they have already given this decision a great deal of thought – sometimes for a very long time – once the decision is made, they adjust to the new reality much sooner than the dumpee. The dumpee does his/her suffering after the actual breakup. Either they didn’t see it coming or didn’t want to see it coming. The dumper may have actually tried to talk about the problems in the relationship, but the eventual dumpee was in denial and either refused to talk about the problems or only gave them lip service but did nothing about them, hoping they would go away. The breakup causes a huge blow to the dumpee’s self esteem. They feel rejected and assume these events must mean there’s something terribly wrong with them – not attractive, not worthy, etc. Since the dumpee has thus far been unable or unwilling to deal with reality, he/she may take a long time to adjust to the reality of life as it is now. If you are the dumper, please be patient with your spouse who needs longer to adjust to the situation. He/she is probably not by nature a “whiney victim.” Although you may have tried many times to discuss the situation, the reality still comes as a shock to them. If you are the dumpee,
get a grip. Your spouse is not a monster. He/she did most of their suffering trying
to decide whether to leave or keep trying. Now that the decision is made, you
both need to face it and move on. ===================== Transforming Pain into Acceptance The one thing that characterizes every divorce is pain. You know this, but what you probably don’t know is: What causes
pain is not what happens to us, Every time something happens to us, we make up in our own minds a “story” about what it means. It’s human nature that usually the story is something negative. “I’m wrong. I’m inadequate. I should have been a better wife/husband/person.” Or it’s the other way around. “He/she did me wrong. I’m the victim here.” It’s not the facts, but the “story” that causes so much pain. Here’s an exercise that can transform that pain into acceptance. 1. State what happened
in your relationship. No interpretations. Just the facts. ===================== Acknowledge and Validate your Kids’ Feelings Your kids will be upset by the divorce. This is inevitable. In fact, it’s normal and healthy. Children need to experience these negative feelings and they need to express them. It’s not healthy to keep them bottled up. Don’t be alarmed by their concerns. The best thing you can do for your kids is to acknowledge and validate their feelings. When your child expresses each of the following emotions, here’s a suggested response that is supportive and reassuring to the child: Sadness: “Yes, I feel sad, too. I’m sad that Daddy/Mommy and I can’t live together forever. That’s what we wanted to happen, but we don’t always get what we want.” Anger: “Yes, I think I would be mad, too, if I wanted my parents to live together and they said they couldn’t. But sometimes they just can’t.” Fear: “Yes, it does feel scary when things are about to change and we don’t know what’s going to happen. But it can turn out to be an adventure, and it can be better than what we’ve been doing.” Blame: “Yes, I know when things don’t go right, we think it must be somebody’s fault. But sometimes things just don’t work out, and it’s not anybody’s fault.” It’s not accidental that I
begin each of these responses with the word Yes. That’s an expression of
understanding, agreement, and acceptance. First you acknowledge and accept the
child’s feelings. Then you give them an alternate and more useful way of
looking at the situation. CLICK HERE FOR MORE EXCERPTS FROM "SUCCESSFUL DIVORCE & SINGLE PARENTING" CLICK HERE TO ORDER "SUCCESSFUL DIVORCE & SINGLE PARENTING" CLICK HERE FOR MORE FREE PARENTING TIPS & SUPPORT
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managing_divorce.htm